In a shocking turn of events that has shaken the fast-food world, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Dave Hoffmann has admitted the company took a staggering $1 billion hit after its ill-fated dive into “woke” politics. The confession, delivered at a hastily arranged press conference outside Dunkin’s Canton, Massachusetts headquarters, left investors, customers, and employees reeling.
“We’re sorry. We won’t try that again,” Hoffmann said, visibly remorseful, as he took a sip of what could only be presumed to be a non-political cup of coffee.
For many who thought doughnuts were immune to the cultural battles of today, Dunkin’s CEO confirmed otherwise. The company’s attempt to embrace what Hoffmann described as “woke ideology” became, in his words, “the biggest corporate blunder since New Coke.” Much like the infamous soda disaster, Dunkin’ is now scrambling to correct course before its glazed empire crumbles completely.
It all started innocuously enough — a marketing campaign featuring a diverse cast, a rainbow donut, and a declaration that Dunkin’ was a proud supporter of “inclusivity, equity, and love.” What seemed like a recipe for success quickly soured. According to Hoffmann, Dunkin’ never anticipated the fierce backlash from some of its most loyal customers.
“We thought we were just adding a little extra sugar to the mix,” Hoffmann mused with a strained smile. “We never imagined that supporting equality and diversity would lead to people boycotting their morning coffee. But… here we are.”
The campaign, featuring slogans like “Love is sweet, and so are we,” and rainbow-themed donuts, appeared harmless to most—just another brand jumping on the social justice bandwagon. But within hours, hashtags like #GoWokeGoBroke were trending, and customers accused Dunkin’ of politicizing their beloved coffee stop.
“They betrayed us,” said conservative influencer Chad Tanner in a viral video where he dramatically dumped his Dunkin’ iced coffee in slow motion, before switching to a rival brand’s cup. “What’s next? Kale in my jelly donut? No thanks.”
Tanner wasn’t alone. Across the nation, Dunkin’ stores saw protests with signs reading “Make Donuts Great Again” and chants of “No politics with my pastries!” One disgruntled customer even sent a box of “non-woke” donuts to corporate with a note reading, “This is what the people want—patriotism, not politics!”
The backlash hit Dunkin’ hard. Sales plummeted, foot traffic disappeared, and the bottom line suffered. The $1 billion loss, as Hoffmann grimly revealed, was a direct result of the company’s attempt to “go woke.”
“We didn’t see this coming,” Hoffmann admitted, glancing nervously at the Dunkin’ logo behind him. “We thought we were doing what was right. Clearly, we misread the room. And for that, we’re deeply sorry.”
In an effort to win back customers, Hoffmann announced that Dunkin’ would be returning to its roots: “No more woke politics. Just coffee, donuts, and maybe one of those glazed croissants people love.”
To make it clear, Dunkin’ has already started scrubbing stores of any trace of the campaign. The rainbow donut is off the menu, and social media posts tied to the campaign have been deleted. Hoffmann hinted at a new, non-political mascot: a donut named “Dunkie” who “loves everyone, but doesn’t feel the need to make a statement about it.”
The company’s apology tour is just beginning, but whether the public will forgive remains to be seen. As Hoffmann wrapped up the press conference, he took one last sip of his coffee, likely wondering if it was too late to return to the days when Dunkin’ was just about donuts — not debates.